When do women connect with their fantasies if they don't touch themselves when they are alone?
This question is not ours, we read it to Virginie Despentes, but it could well be posed by any of us. But far from going into authorship, we would like to begin by reflecting on what lies behind this question.
Because although it may not seem like it, here we open melons such as: what do we understand by fantasies? How have we understood and seen masturbation as women?
what is masturbation benefit for? what happens when it becomes an obligation?....
Let's start at the beginning. What we understand by fantasy or how we have been building fantasies in our mind. This is one of the most revealing aspects about oneself.
Sexual fantasies according to porn
If we talk about fantasies in the sexual field, taking porn as a reference, it is very likely that our imagination refers us, automatically, and without knowing why, to an image in the mind of a male person enjoying that porn.
And while this is not a statement that fits all realities, it is very likely to be the first one we think of. Just as when most people read an erotic story, the recreation in their head will most likely be of two bodies of canonical beauty, with many tinges of perfection.
But are all female desires and fantasies the same? Obviously not. So why does our head lead us to construct these kinds of realities?
What we know about female fantasies...
We know that historically, female pleasure has not been treated in the same way as male pleasure because, on the one hand, it has been assumed that it was subordinated to male enjoyment, or even considered non-existent. And on the other hand, in the case that it existed and wanted to be mentioned, it has been silenced and branded as an absolute taboo.
That is why many people read as women, have associated the possibility of masturbation to a couple's sphere only and never in their intimacy or autonomy.
This is a topic that we often encounter in sexological consultation and that is why today we wanted to bring it here, taking advantage of the fact that this is the month of masturbation.
Women's relationship with masturbation
In fact, just as we can find testimonies of women who fully enjoy masturbation, there are also those who do not enjoy it. But as it is not or has not been until now, a common trend to share, even among us, how we live masturbation, there is still a lot of ignorance about it or how each of us live it. And besides, as we always say, each woman is a world, and in the subject of masturbation it was not going to be less.
We leave as an example two opposing testimonies of women who come to therapy with us:
"I envy people who spend hours examining, testing, getting to know each other and enjoy the whole process. I rarely conceive of that moment for myself. It's a little embarrassing for me to express myself like that because I would like to know myself better or give it more importance, since I consider the subject as something healthy and beautiful."
"When I do it I enjoy it and I feel comfortable because it's part of getting to know yourself and no matter how well my partner does it to me, which I have no complaints about, touching yourself is always going to be different and the more you touch yourself the more things you discover and the more things you can share with him or her."
Why don't we masturbate or talk about it naturally?
For most women, masturbation is or has been at some point in their lives a sensitive subject. There are many who, in fact, consider that they have no relationship whatsoever with their genitals and/or their masturbation.
The surprising thing is, when we ask about fantasies, in these cases, many allude that they have more to do with the types of relationships or the romanticism of the situation than with body exploration per se.
Where does this leave your cravings, your tastes or your ways of pleasuring yourself? Undoubtedly in a confusing place and with no room to work on it.
So... Masturbation: yes or no?
The problem is that we have gone from one extreme to another. We have gone from not talking about masturbation and denying it, to imposing it on ourselves without question, because we have been told that it is the best thing in the world.
We have not left room to ask ourselves if as a woman we feel like doing it or not. And on the other hand, no one has explained to us how beneficient it is to know what we like and how we like it, in order to be able to communicate what we do and what we don't when we have an encounter with another person.
And the truth... wouldn't it be interesting, both for one's own well-being and for possible relationships, to look at masturbation from a different perspective? To look at it more as a way of self-knowledge and understanding, of affection, of care and, of course, also of pleasure, rather than from a space reserved for the couple.
As sexologist Francisca Molero says: "The greatest enemy of orgasm is ignorance of one's own body."
Each body is different and also, each person has their own rhythms and their needs and tastes so, if you are considering starting on this path of exploration, our recommendation is that you listen to yourself. To discover yourself.
Just for this, masturbation is benefit. But we insist, not from obligation, but from self-knowledge. And if you have never done it or it generates rejection or discomfort, remember that you do not have to take your hands directly to the genitals.
You can start by exploring other parts of your body and seeing how you feel, how your skin reacts to those stimuli and then move into the genital area.
But above all, relax, there is no rush and no goal beyond your enjoyment of the process. You can stop whenever you want or finish the way you decide.
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