According to sex researcher Justin Lehmiller, threesomes are one of the most common sexual fantasies people have. When he interviewed over four thousand people for his book, Tell Me What You Want, he found that even 93% of men and 84% of women fantasized about a threesome at least once before. 

So, if you fall under the umbrella of curious people who are looking to spice things up in the bedroom and find new ways to enjoy your partner, here is how to have a threesome you won't regret:

What Is a Threesome?

A threesome (otherwise known as a three-way or a manage a trois) is a sexual act involving three consenting adults. It can happen between three strangers, a couple and a stranger, or three friends who find each other attractive sexually – there are no rules on who can be involved as long as everyone's having fun. 

Why Consider Having a Threesome?

1. Spice Up the Routine

If you've been together with your partner for a long time and you feel like you both have settled in a dull routine, it might be time to find ways to make things more exciting again. And one of the ways to do that could be a threesome. Even only sharing your sexual fantasy of a threesome with your partner can be a way to make things more heated.

2. Explore Your Sexual Fantasies

As we're already covered at the beginning of the article, threesomes are one of the most common sexual fantasies people have. Why not bring the fantasy to life then? 

3. Get To Know Your Sexuality Better

Another reason you might want to consider a threesome is to understand your sexuality better. If you're unsure whether you're into the same sex or opposite sex, a safe way to figure out is during a threesome. 

When Not To Have a Threesome

Even iconic Samantha Jones made the mistake of agreeing to a threesome to please the man she was dating in season 4 of Sex and the City. If the only reason you're signing up to have a threesome is that your partner insists they want one, but the idea of it doesn't appeal to you, then you shouldn't go through with it.

Inviting other people into your bedroom requires everyone involved to consent and truly want the experience. Otherwise, the threesome can be uncomfortable and leave you feeling bitter and hurt. 

Breaking Down the Norms

Dr. Lehmiller's research numbers show that the fantasy of a threesome is not exclusive to men and that almost as many women fantasize about it. However, for the longest time, threesomes have been regarded as the ultimate heterosexual male fantasy of a man having sex with two women for his pleasure. 

In reality, there are many different ways a threesome can go outside the classic one-man two women scenario: 

• MFM (male-female-male) with two heterosexual men focusing on the women without interacting with each other.
• MFM (male-female-male) with two bisexual/pansexual/other men interacting with the woman and each other.
• FMF (female-male-female) with two heterosexual women interacting with the man but not each other.
• FMF (female-male-female) with bisexual/pansexual/other women and the man interact with each other.

The rise of reverse harem romance books where the heroine has not one, two, or even three (sometimes it can go up to 5-6) love interests at the same time shows that the fantasy of a threesome expands further from the standard hetero FFM stereotype we are used to. 

On TikTok, the hashtag #reverseharem is used 187.1 million times, and #whychoose is used over 7 million times. It shows that women are more open about embracing their sexual fantasies of having sex with more than one man. 

The Only Guide You'll Need on How To Have a Successful Threesome

If you're interested in spicing up your love life, then let's talk about how to have a threesome that will be fun, exciting, and hard to forget. 

Communicate Your Desire With Your Partner

If you want to have a successful threesome, you first want to communicate with your partner about your desire. It might be scary to bring up sexual fantasies if you're not used to sharing your fantasies with your partner, but it must be done.

Ask your partner how they feel and if a threesome is something they would consider. There is no need to put pressure on planning the threesome the first time you communicate your fantasy with your partner. Instead, simply share your thoughts and allow each other enough space to figure out how you feel about the possibility of bringing someone else to the bedroom. 

Preparation Is the Key

Once you had the conversation with your partner and you both decided that a threesome would be something you're interested in, it's time to start preparing. 

Finding the Right Person

The first thing you're going to do is find a third party. Maybe you and your partner already have one in mind – it could be a friend of yours you both find attractive. There aren't any set rules to who you should pick for a threesome, as long as everyone is clear on what is happening and consents to it. 

Both times I've participated in a threesome, I was with my good friend and a third party who was a stranger – someone we met and both found attractive and wanted to have sex with. One of those times we were having drinks at a rooftop bar where we met two guys visiting London for a working holiday. We had drinks, great conversations, and a good laugh and by the time morning came around and we got ready to leave, me and my friend Octavia* said to one of the guys: "Why don't you come back to our place with us?"

Another friend of mine, Jules* had a very different experience. She was invited to be the third party in a threesome with a married couple. While in the end, she didn't end up going through with it, her example is great to show that there are many different ways to find people to have a three-way experience with. 

If you don't have a specific person in mind, you can find one in different places. Online can be a wonderful place to look for people. Dating websites like Tinder are a great place to start. Just make sure you're being honest and straightforward with what you're looking for. 

Also, there are adult websites where you can find people to have a threesome with. Some of the examples are Adult Friend Finder and Swing Lifestyle. While these websites are for swingers and people looking for group sex, it's possible to find people for threesomes as well. 

Give Yourself Enough Time

Sometimes, people can change their minds. For this reason, you might want to give yourself some time between the offer a threesome with someone and the actual day. If you're planning this with a friend, you want to make sure that everyone's on board and that whatever happens won't compromise the friendship. 

Also, threesomes, especially the first time, don't always have to involve the old-school sexual act that involves penetration or even getting an orgasm. 

Sex educator Stella Harris in her book The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes, suggests expanding the understanding of sex and what a threesome should look like and trying different activities with three people involved. "What about snuggling and watching a movie together? What about a three-way make-out? <...> A three-way massage session can be a great start," she gives examples in her book. 

Giving yourself enough time to warm up and get to know each other before getting into bed can be beneficial and help remove the stress and anxiety you might have around sex with more than one person involved. 

Think About Protection and Safety

Because you'll be bringing someone you haven't had sex with before into your bedroom, you want to be careful about protection. It would be best to do the STI tests beforehand and discuss every person's sexual history and health. Also, ensure that everyone is on board with using protection methods against pregnancy like condoms. 

And always bring more condoms than you think you'll need. 

Set Boundaries and Rules Before Getting Into Bed

It's not always possible to share each other equally, so you should discuss the boundaries and rules beforehand. For example, who gets to do what and when? What actions are a no-go and should be left outside the door? 

For example, in an FFM threesome scenario where a guy can only go for one round, it means that he's only able to finish once. In most cases, you'll want to discuss with which gal it happens. 

Or, in the case of the MMF three-way scenario, you might want to discuss which sorts of sexual activities you're comfortable with. For example, maybe you all decide that double penetration is the way to go. Or maybe, you decide that it's more comfortable for everyone if one guy penetrates the girl and the second guy penetrates the other guy at the same time. 

Knowing in advance how the scene is going to go, what your boundaries are, and what things are off the table will relieve a lot of anxiety. 

A Word of Caution

Most people love to turn to alcohol before a threesome to calm their nerves and take off the edge if they're nervous. While a glass of wine is not going to do much, and it can be nice, it is very easy to lose track of how many glasses you drink. And you don't want to be drunk for a threesome because you'll be more prone to reckless behavior. 

During my first threesome with Octavia, all three of us were intoxicated. While it was fun and sexy, due to being intoxicated during the threesome, Octavia forgot she had a boyfriend and that he was not the man in the bed with us. That's the kind of reckless behavior I'm warning you about. 

Also, you might feel more reckless about using protection or simply forget about it if things get heated too fast. 

And anyway – sex doesn't feel as good while drunk as it does when you're sober. So, if you were considering getting drinks before your first threesome, go light and be mindful about how much liquor you consume. 

What Happens After?

Aftercare is important to ensure that all sexual experiences are pleasant for everyone involved. And a threesome shouldn't be an exception. You might want to cuddle together or spend the night in one bed sleeping together. Or, even doing nice things like having a bath or showering or getting a snack afterward can be a great way to end the night on a pleasant note. 

*Names are changed for privacy reasons