The first thing we ask you to reflect on is whether you are reading this article because you are trying to meet expectations about libido or desire that are not your own, or is it that you feel disconnected from your own desire and are seeking ways to reactivate it. If it’s the second option, hang around.
If it’s the first option, we suggest you attend some therapy sessions, since you may well have more to work on than libido. Watch out! However, this also applies if it’s the second option, since you can certainly work on it better there than by reading an article. With more personalised intervention than what’s happening here and with your own activation tools.
In fact, desire is one of the most common reasons for attending therapy, be it because people think they have too little, or because they think they have too much. But let’s break it down : for starters, what is desire?
One of the many traps we fall into is thinking that desire is an “entity” which comes and goes. And this happens because we use the term in the singular form. When talking about desire, most people believe that they can access it or awaken it with a type of switch, or that it is a one-size-fits-all thing. As if there were only one way to desire or one single desire.
That’s why it’s important for us to use the plural form. When we talk about desires in the plural form, the possibilities and options multiply. And straight away, the list of what we understand to be “desire” expands.
Opening up our minds like this helps us to understand how our desires work, what we desire and what we want, and how our body reacts accordingly.
Difference between desire and arousal
In Sexology we talk about how desires are the motivation or the interest in something erotic, whereas arousal is the physical response to a pleasurable stimulus.
Or put a simpler way: Desires are what cause the movement, and arousal is the response to the movement. And even simpler: Desires are what I fancy, and arousal is the response to what I fancy, in other words how my body reacts.
By understanding this difference and by using the plural form, we are giving our mind a whole new road map with which we can now do these things to get the libido working.
5 things you can do to activate your desires
- Read, watch, stimulate your brain
Desires can be consciously triggered. How? Flooding your brain with stimuli. When you find words, films or TV programmes which stimulate what you want to do, this will trigger a reaction in your body. You are giving it clues to unleash what you are seeking. To find desires and work your libido, you have to find out what activates it and stimulate yourself from that point.
- Imagine and plan
When you allow your mind to wander, creating erotic scenarios and planning encounters in your head, you are feeding the part of your brain which boosts stimulation, reaction, and desires; the area totally connected with arousal. It’s like a muscle; the more you activate it and train it, the more it will want to do what you are imagining. But for this you need the stimuli from point 1.
- Discover what you like
Most people who undergo therapy come without having discovered what turns them on and how. They base their ideas on what is considered correct, what society has given them as an example of desires or what their environment has provided. When you break down these barriers and seek to discover your desires, you are truly connecting with what your body is demanding of you and, as a consequence, your body reacts.
- Demand what you like
There’s no point in getting stuck at “it’s just that my partner doesn’t understand my desires”. Our partners are nor mind readers and, without fluid communication and you making some requests, it is complicated, or even almost impossible, for them to manage to turn you on or provide what you seek in an encounter. The more you communicate and demand, the better your own pleasure will be, and the more you will feel like putting into practice.
- Free yourself from judgements and expectations
Don’t fall into that trap. If you are seriously going to investigate what you like and how your body reacts to it, don’t start from a place of judgement. Because if you do, you are not only limiting, but also punishing yourself. And pleasures are not to be punished, they are to be enjoyed. And, of course, an expectation-heavy encounter is doomed to fail. Because it will never turn out exactly as we imagined it in our head. The best thing is to think ahead, communicate, make some plans with our partner, and then go with the flow.