We’ve learned how to be desirable. But do we know what we desire?

Lately, a question has been on my mind: how much of what we do to feel desirable actually helps us enjoy ourselves?

We know our best angles. Which clothes flatter which parts of our bodies. How to pose so we look spontaneous. We’ve become remarkably skilled at seeing ourselves from the outside.

But sometimes I wonder what’s happening on the other side of that image.

Are we comfortable? Are we curious? Do we want to be touched like that? Are we enjoying ourselves, or mentally checking how we look?

It troubles me to think that we can put so much effort into looking desirable that we have little attention left to discover our own desires.

And I say this as someone behind a brand that creates accessories for the body and products for pleasure. That’s precisely why I think this question deserves our attention.

Who are we living this moment for?

I love how an accessory can change the way you feel. That little thrill of wearing something simply because you want to. Playing with your appearance can be a pleasure in itself.

The question arises when other people’s gaze starts making all the decisions. When we choose things based on how we’ll be seen and stop asking ourselves how we want to feel.

When a kiss comes with a worry about our double chin. When we’re holding our stomach in during a caress. When the photo of a night out ends up taking up more space than the night itself.

Being so busy watching ourselves can leave us little room to lose ourselves in the moment.

And there’s something deeply erotic about allowing something to hold our interest enough that we stop monitoring ourselves for a while.

A voice. A conversation that lingers. A texture. The way someone listens to you. A thought that returns hours later.

Some feelings simply don’t fit into a picture.

Rediscovering curiosity

I don’t think the answer is to demand that we become more erotic. We already receive enough instructions about what our bodies and intimate lives should be like.

I’m more interested in the conditions we can create to pay attention to what we feel. Without any obligation to become aroused, have sex, or reach a particular destination.

Here are a few places to start.

1. Ask a different question in the mirror

Alongside “How does this look on me?” try “How does this make me feel?”

Can I move comfortably? Do I like the feel of this fabric against my skin? Do I feel bold, comfortable, playful? Would I choose it even if nobody were going to see me today?

It’s a small way of making our own experience part of the decision.

2. Let some experiences stay off camera

Leave a dinner unphotographed. Dance to a song without recording it. Enjoy a beautiful moment without figuring out how to share it.

Keeping something for ourselves can give it a special kind of intimacy. The pleasure of having been there, even if there’s no proof.

3. Give your imagination something to work with

Read a story that stirs something in you. Really listen to music. Discover a film, an exhibition, or a street you’ve never walked down.

I like to think that curiosity finds nourishment outside the bedroom, too. Things that surprise us, move us, or make us think can open up new conversations and new ways of feeling.

4. Explore touch without a script

Alone or with someone else, spend a little time exploring a sensation without deciding in advance how it should end.

A hand massage. A caress across your back. A kiss that can simply remain a kiss.

If someone else is involved, talk about it first: we can explore, ask for something different, and stop whenever we want. That gives touch the freedom to be enjoyed without becoming a promise of what comes next.

5. Ask questions you don’t already know the answers to

Even with someone you’ve been with for years.

What kind of touch have you been craving lately? Is there anything you’re curious about? What would you like us to take more slowly?

And ask yourself, too. Our preferences can change. Knowing our bodies includes leaving room for them to surprise us.

6. Give small, specific directions

“A little softer.” “I like it there.” “Today, I’d prefer this.” “I’d like to stop.”

Saying what we want can make us feel vulnerable. But it also helps shape an experience around what we actually enjoy.

We don’t need all the answers to start taking an active part in our own pleasure.

The role of objects

At Bijoux Indiscrets, we think a lot about what an object can make possible: an accessory that invites play, an oil that makes you want a massage to last longer, a texture that sparks curiosity.

Its value lies in the experience it opens up and the freedom each person has to make it part of their intimate life.

That’s why, alongside asking how a product looks on the body, I want us to ask what it invites us to feel.

Because we can keep enjoying dressing up, adorning ourselves, and feeling desirable. And also make time to listen to the body we spend so much time looking at.

Perhaps we can start today, with one small question.

I know how I want to be seen. How do I want to feel?